Ending and Healing statement by Kimberlee

 I am making this site for my niece Madison and the other voiceless children--The children who are in the “care” and custody of abusive mothers and others.  I am creating this site for my brother and for other survivors of brain injury and for other fathers whose voices and rights are silenced and ignored.    I am creating this site hoping that soon...now... yesterday the abuse of my niece is stopped and her father treated with justice and truth and allowed to be the father he is–a caring one trying to end her abuse before the abuse ends her life.  

My brother may have a long criminal record, but I can tell you that I know my brother and I know the truth of the situation surrounding him and the mother of his daughter and her friend.  To assess and to judge him on criminal and medical reports written about him since his brain injury in 1986-current day by various people for various reasons by various agencies, each with their own unique and varied perspectives, is to not know him or judge him accurately.  My brother has a HUGE case file, but he is a person.   They even joke about the size of his records  in court as they carry it “with great effort” around the court room. 

I can tell you that what has happened and continues to happen is no joke for Larkin, for us, or for his daughter.  How do we end abuse for us or others?  We are told there are agencies, departments, people to contact.  But what if that continues to fall through?  If we are successful with ending the abuse for a child or ourselves,  how do we heal from it?   We can all agree, none of us wants to be abused or violated or hurt.  But unfortunately some of our children are born to mothers and associated with others who do just that.  We know that abuse is generational. And it is horribly damaging.  So how do we stop it?  Take the child away from the abuse and place the child with the most immediate family member who is NOT abusive.
So, if the mother is found to be abusive, the child is then removed from the abusive custody  and placed with the father (if the father is non-abusive and wants to and is able to care for and nurture the child..)

But what if there are certain circumstances, either legal,  medical or other that are in the picture–such as brain injury, or criminal records or charges (accurate or inaccurate) with regards to the father?
What if other things, such as biases in our court system or other circumstances such as military duty , are not allowing a father to see his child or take custody?  

 If the state is for some reason denying the father rights to partial or full custody, (or if the father is for some reason not available) the child is usually placed with the maternal grandparents.  If abuse is generational, and it is known that the mother was/is abused (by her parents), then the cycle of abuse continues with this child when place in the custody of the maternal grandparents.  What about the paternal, non-abusive side of the child’s family?  Kelsey Briggs was briefly placed with her paternal grandparents, but then given back to her mother–where she died at the hands of her mother’s husband (the child’s step-father).
Just like people/authorities in Oklahoma  were contacted regarding Kelsey Briggs–I (and my brother)  too have contacted everyone regarding our concerns for his daughter, Madison Terjelian. Ashley Terjelian Meek has been charged with domestic assault on more than one occassion since my niece has been born.  And she and her husband  continue to be violent toward and around Madison and us.  Their violence in front of Madison was captured on video.  No charges were brought because according to police, the attack was OUR fault, because we ‘had a video camera.’

Over 13 million people have viewed the photomontage of Kelsey’s story and short life.  I hope for Madison’s sake that 13 million people will view the video of the violent and potentially deadly attack that took place IN FRONT OF a defenseless child.   The scene captured on video  was created by the willful and intentional thoughts and actions of Ashley Terjelian and Robert Meek.

It only takes one voice.  If even a fraction of 1% of 13 million people spoke up, and took action...imagine the difference it could make for one child–It could be the difference between life and death..

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If the abuse and trauma does not kill us, how do we begin to  heal from it? The subject of healing is vast and  is too broad to cover in a few paragraphs and too unique for each individual.

  But I do know the first step to healing is to be in a safe and secure place as soon as possible–away from immediate or imminent danger.    When concerning children and child abuse, it is better to STOP IT NOW–not later–for there is “no later”.  By then, it is “too late.”

 For part of my (ongoing) healing process, following my brothers TBI when I was seven and he was eight,  I turned to art.  I created it, I immersed my self in it. Visual art helped me to escape reality–to imagine other worlds....to create my own worlds on paper or out of clay–or on a computer... 
Art is an invaluable tool and an indispensable part of human connection and society that EVERY child should have access to (along with music and other arts) throughout their lives. It is real...and can be emotional and raw, just like life.

One thing I also love is teaching, especially art, to the young and not-so young. It gives me great joy to open up the world of a child through artmaking.    Madison loves drawing and creating and being imaginative and she has always shown an interest in it, since before her 2nd birthday.   At age 5, while  she would visit with her father from April-July 2008, I would sometimes paint and draw or color with her.  She really enjoyed doing this and was so proud of her creations.

One day while visiting Madison, her dad asked her to show me one of the drawings we had previously worked on together.  It was ripped.  She had ripped it (and other drawings) at the request of her mother and her mother’s husband. She said that ripping it made her feel bad. 
Several weeks into the visits that took place in April-July 2008 (and shortly before the last time we saw her) she stopped making art with me, she stopped riding her bike with her dad, she stopped playing with us outside.....and she gave us no reason to her change in behavior.

Shortly before the last time we saw her, she told me she see’s naked men and boys at her house, “sometime but not all the time.”  How is a child supposed to escape and  heal from this type of environment? Who does the child turn to?  Does the child even know that what is happening is wrong?

Who do I, as a mandated reporter and concerned relative, contact? 

DCF?  According to them, it’s ‘not a preventative system’.
Prevent Child Abuse Vermont (PCAV)?  According to them, they don’t get involved in individual cases.
The police?  Many have come in contact with this situation throughout Madison’s life. 

PCAV’s  slogan is “because it shouldn’t hurt to be a child.”
And it shouldn’t.   So shouldn’t we design a system that appropriately deals with the epidemic of (sexual)  child abuse in our country––abuse that  happens by mothers as often as others?  Abuse that is generational.  Abuse that is not talked about.  Abuse that is happening right now, to  someone (perhaps a child)  you know.

Each person will have to explore their own ideas for healing–if healing from the abuse and trauma that life can throw at you, is in fact,  the path the person is able and/or willing to take.  Not all who experience abuse choose to heal from it.  Some choose to continue the abuse by abusing their own children or by  finding partners who are abusers of them and their children.   Even extended family members will keep it quiet (in fear of possibly  not seeing the child if custody is taken away from the custodial and biological (and abusive) mother?)

One book and good resource I found on my path to SELF healing is “You Can Heal Your Life.”  By Louise L. Hay.  It talks about a lot of things–trauma, victimhood, thought patterns, taking control, having hope, living your dreams, forgiveness, healing from trauma and abuse and breaking free from that often-crippling and damaging cycle that can take hold.   My experiences with TBI lead me to this book.  The author of this book was lead to writing it by her experiences of (sexual) abuse as a child–starting at an early age.  I recommend it highly, as well as researching other sites on the internet for anyone interested in taking the healing path...

One might be thinking , where do I even start?  How do I even begin to face the pain?   I find that forgiveness and  having compassion for ourselves and others is a good place to start. Standing up for truth and justice for one and all,  is another. 

..and don’t forget to breathe...